READ THIS FIRST!!!

So, after so many ages I'm back now! For real. And this time I won't talk about dreams about my crush, or complaint on anything. I've come to fix and repair all of those things that I've said before, in my previous previous posts.

Anyone who read my posts, the earliest, especially, will find out how many complaints I've made on my current alma mater, and not to forget how many times I've mentioned my crush, all those stories and dreams and hopes. Also, for all those Grammar Nazis out there, would probably suffer a severe mental breakdown reading my posts due to my perfectly imperfect grammar. In other words, my grammar sucks.

Now I'm going to fix them all.

First and foremost, for all those complaints. When I re-read my posts I've realized that how immature I was back then. There are things that I complained about which are relevant. But then sadistically, most of them are irrelevant, and written due to unstable emotional state, together with the feeling of rejecting everything due to my own fault of not being ready to let go of the past (which i brought into myself). Been here for quite a long time, and I realized that I surprisingly actually like this place, and the lecturers, my friends... And in fact, I was inspired by this man, a lecturer, by his words since the orientation day. A man of brilliant thoughts. And now that I understand why our learning environment in the PJ campus was full of dissatisfaction, all the reasons, it kinda makes me feel guilty. Because, it wasn't like they want us to be in that way, it's because they cannot change anything for us. And in fact, our new campus, (the one that I'm in now) have everything, all the facilities that I used to complained that they weren't there, back in the old campus. And the lecturers, despite all those lacking in facilities, they did their best to make sure that we understand what we learned. Idk about the lecturers of other classes but at least the lecturers of mine do. And friends, yeah i do have a several numbers of people that I really valued over here, (and there back in PJ campus). Those are among the people that I'll never forget due to whatever impact they've done on me. Tho there are people that I don't like, but hey there will always be people that you do not like, no matter where you are right? And finally, I need to learn how to channel all my complaints to the right medium.

And next, about this crush of mine. I seriously can't live without him. I'm dying right now. Okay, just kidding. I can't believe how overly attached I was to him. After a long, deep thoughts I've concluded that I can live without him. And I really want to let go. The feelings are like, "Come on now, I've hold the door for you to get outta here. But if you want to come back, I'll welcome you as a good, 'ol friend." I will survive without him. Time to say goodbye now, really, seriously. And next time I mention him, it would be either as a good joke or a good memory. And about his sanity I would really love to help, but this time as a fellow believer, not as someone who has a crush on him. And now finally, I officially announce him as an ex-crush, and somebody that I used to know. And, maybe someone that can later be my friend, tho the chance is like to the bottom of the sea, or maybe deeper to the core of the earth.

And finally, to the Grammar Nazis, I want to officially apologize too, for all those grammar mistakes I've done (and still doing). And I'll do my best to fix 'em, from now til on. But then, I won't change anything from my previous posts for they would remind me of who I was yesterday, so that I can fix them for tomorrow.

And thank you for reading. I'm out of here. Peace.

Out.

Sweet Dreams ^_^

                Ever heard of sweet dreams? Why, you ask me? Because… it happened to me! Yes, to me! >.< Not sweet dreams actually, just sweet dream… but it really happened! Yesterday morning! Ahh… there’s also one dream the day before yesterday that relate with this sweet dream of mine, maybe? Coz there’s a lot of common things… Ok let me rephrase this for a better understanding. For the past two days, I kinda started to feel really, really, reallllly, sleepy after my mom goes to work. Not slightly after, like, at 11 or so. My brain was like, ‘’sleep gurl, sleep!’’. So I slept. So I dreamt. 

The first day or the day before yesterday, I dreamt about this guy, my current batch mate, also my leader for an organization. He is a devoted one; reaaaallly devoted one (in my opinion). He is that good, I mean a good leader, responsible, brave enough, friendly (what I want to point out here is that he is one good, pious person) that I kinda felt embarrassed each time we pass each other. Don’t know how he ended up in my dream, act :/ … Anyway, it happened right here, at my house. He mysteriously came to my house, with his family. And here comes the strange part. Remember that I said he is a devoted one? Don’t get another idea. In my dream, he IS still devoted. Also his family is. They are all devoted, the type of happy, peaceful family, who live in Islamic way of life. Except for one person; his sister I guess. Coz she’s taller, and seemed older and more matured. She didn’t wore a scarf, she had this goth cloth, had punk-like make up on… Just like Annabelle from the horror movie ‘Mama’, exactly like the one. And she’s sooo friendly, so nice despite her looks. She made me and my family feels like we’ve known each other for ages! And my house at that time was spick and span, clean, spotless! And what I remember after that is riding the train with him while I wiped a whole bunch of bananas that my mom gave me. Nothing more, I guess I woke up after that. So that’s my first dream. I wrote it coz I think it relate with my sweet >.< dream.

So yesterday, I felt really sleepy. So I slept, which I really thank God I did so >.<! For this time I don’t really remember. My memories, they scattered. But I still remember the pieces. I just don’t remember the arrangement. What I remember was… lemme start with the creepy one. It happened at a place, which I remember resembled my house, but it was slightly different… Why I ended up there, idk. But there were monsters, baby monster… but the scariest things for me is… SPIDERS!!! >o<!!! A lot of them fell on me! Like rains of spiders! Gosh I freaked out like hell! Then I remember I was in my house… here’s the fun + sweet + unforgettable part >.<~ He came to my house! >.<~ My tsumetai akuma… ^^ and also with his family. Want to know what were strange here? He came with his family, and they all looked devoted to me! Seriously… like seriously??? I mean, if it’s his other family members, I can act believe in what I saw… but he also?? What happened to him? Did the Aliens abducted him and done something to his head?? Well, of course it was just a dream… No use to wonder more. But then, we talked, family to family, like we’ve known each other for ages too. And the best part is… he talked to me!!!  (TT-TT)b… this is soooo touching :’) … He talked to me,,, just like he remember who I am, he recognized me, he was aware of my existence! God, I can’t ask for no more! And my sis already had some rough joke on him, which shows that we were so close… Deary me! And my house at that time was not so clean. I had to start spring cleaning while he and his family were there. But I don’t feel burdened at all! It felt so natural… like, nobody even cares that the house is messy, as long as someone is trying to clean it. And I guess we all cleaned the house together. And I remember the scene changed from my house to somewhere else, but in my dream I recognized that place as UPM… the place where we both used to be. And I remember I told my mom that he’s going to Japan… and I remember I told him that I never thought that we would meet again, at that place, at UPM. Then I remember no more… there were things about me and my hostel, and my fellow, but it’s not so important to be remembered :P… teeheehee… But anyway, this is seriously the sweetest dream of mine so far (^^,)… I don’t want to forget so…I wrote this…

Just wondering, if there’s something behind these dreams… are they related? Coz there were some commons things. Like, where it occurred, or those who came, or the difference in the state of the house… If…only if these mean that there is still some hope in getting his sanity back, or meeting him in such circumstances; where he remembers me, recognizes me, friends with me… I really hope it will come true one day :’( … Even though the creepy part and the messy house might mean that the road will be hard… I can accept it. I will accept it. I’ll endeavor myself. It was my determination that I want to change for ore no tsumetai akuma >.<~ So then, sleep well everyone!!! Hope u’ll have sweet dreams too! ;)

I'm a stubborn believer

My crush is an atheist, i suppose.but i really don't want him to be. damn. according to what he said, there's no way that any of those words don't say ''I don't believe in any religion''. but then, he had these questions, about my religion. then i realize, i used to have those questions too, but i ignore them and just receive all the things that people said i MUST believe. since they are all silly questions after all. questions that a first grader, or a kindergartner would ask. i IGNORE these questions. then i started to think...and think more...and started to doubt. i started to have a mind like his. i started to find the weaknesses of my religion without searching for the explanation. i doubt more and more.

But still, with my confused mind, and the doubtfulness that keep increasing, there's something in my heart that is so stubborn. that no matter how much i doubt, i still want to believe that Allah do exist, and He is the one that created me, and Muhammad is the messenger, the light bringer. i want to believe in Islam. guess that's what makes me think that i'm a stubborn believer. my mind is half away from the religion but my hand still want to reach that faraway peacefulness. i think like him but i want to believe in my religion. and i want him to believe too.but then i realize, if i want him to believe, i should start by answering his questions, and mine too!

And now i realize that i was totally wrong to ignore.i can't ignore these questions!he made me realize that i was wrong.i should find the answers for these questions -- answers that really satisfy me, that will make me understand why this thing is such and such.true, the questions might sound daft and some people would laugh at them.but then there is possibility that they are just like me, or him, who doesn't really know how and what is the answer for that questions -- the ignorance people.silly questions but hard to answer.people need to know, even how small the matter is. coz i fear that if the non-believer ask me those questions, and i can't answer that simple question, it will effect both me and the questioner. if i can't answer such a simple question will that person listen to my preach about the other things?

Now i know, it's fine to have questions, as long as we keep searching for the answers. if we don't, we are on of the ignorance. but then finding the answers is challenging in today's world. as i said , people might laugh at you, or think that you are a stupid non-believer, or maybe some will say that such questions are not allowed to be asked. the last one is very dangerous, because that answer will really let you down, and make you feel cheated. but then, i will keep searching, because every question will have at least an appropriate explanation. i guess that's what the da'ie should do today. they should find the questions of those non-believers and find the answers that will make them finally understands what is the truth about our religion.

I live in a kinda Islamic environment but all i see is, the people, they DO have the knowledge about Islam,, but all they do is to preach towards those people who already believe and have knowledge and mingle between them, and avoid those who they seen as having lack of knowledge, who appeared ''less Islamic'' than they're. if this continues on, i can barely see how Islam is going to spread if the da'wah is only applied towards people who already believe. don't take me wrong here! i didn't say that da'wah in unnecessary towards those who believe, but then it is more important to give the preach towards someone who believe less,, so that the number of believer increases~ moreover such attitude like theirs will cause a misunderstanding about Islam. Muhammad (pbuh) never ignores those who is not pious. yet he approach them. true that people say to choose your friends wisely, but then this is not an excuse for them to make those un-pious people their silent enemy, by giving them resentful look. i said this because someone used to give me that look (-__-'') maybe because i'm not wearing hijab as long as they are (but i covered all that is obligatory!!!just not as excessive as they are!!!).

And one more thing that related, i just read an answer that was given to an atheist who is interested in Islam. he asked something about the reasoning why he should believe that the Holy Quran is not written by Muhammad alone. and there are answers that irritated me. for instance, instead of answering his question, they said that he is trying to fool Islam out and trying to start a cause that have an intention of mocking Islam. people! this man is sincerely asking because he want to know! because he want to believe more! because he didn't want to be an ignorant, who blindly accept things and believe in anything because some people said so! and there's another answer who get the ''best answer'' title obtained by voters, not the one who asked. and i guess the voters is as ignorant. the person said that ''we shouldn't find for perfection''. it's another word for ''such question should be ignored. because i know it is not true. though i don't know why it is not true...''. bah! ''shouldn't find for perfection'', you say??? isn't Islam is the most perfect religion?? then why shouldn't we find the perfection of this religion?? totally screwed out, such answer.

So then...God...i really typed long today. i hate having long writings because i will be really lazy to re-read this again. tonikaku...i really want to find the answers for the questions. some helps will be really really reaaaaalllllly appreciated! coz i know i can't do this alone. let's do it! ---> the me! the stubborn believer

I'm Just A Listener To You Guys, is it Right?

I'm need your help guys!!!not your ''like'' or ignorance, or another story of your life...T-T guess my despair is off of your concern. and your story is more important than mine. it was always like this. i'm the quiet''est'' among us three and i was always the listener to your stories. though i can't help much still i can at least show concern towards your problems. i laugh with you guys, feel excited with you guys, hated the people that put you guys through hard times. but now when i'm telling you something, you just read and the most effort that you've all done is ''liking'' the status?and then continue with your story like nothing ever happened to me.i'm,really,very,disappointed.and sad.and down.and helpless.well, i can't really blame you all.maybe you all just didn't get through my message that i'm really sad about this matter,,and that you all still don't realize how important he is to me.damn it, i really love you guys.you are the best'est' friend i've ever had.i want us to be there for each other,not just at certain times.i'm so sorry but i'm really sad to think that what i assumed is true.but it is sadder when you didn't response when i tell you about this matter.come on, a little word of courage would do just fine.or to do it with our style, make a joke about it, and get really serious...i wish i have a friend like Luffy.''your problem is my problem and my problem is your problem.coz we are nakama'' =(