I'm a stubborn believer

My crush is an atheist, i suppose.but i really don't want him to be. damn. according to what he said, there's no way that any of those words don't say ''I don't believe in any religion''. but then, he had these questions, about my religion. then i realize, i used to have those questions too, but i ignore them and just receive all the things that people said i MUST believe. since they are all silly questions after all. questions that a first grader, or a kindergartner would ask. i IGNORE these questions. then i started to think...and think more...and started to doubt. i started to have a mind like his. i started to find the weaknesses of my religion without searching for the explanation. i doubt more and more.

But still, with my confused mind, and the doubtfulness that keep increasing, there's something in my heart that is so stubborn. that no matter how much i doubt, i still want to believe that Allah do exist, and He is the one that created me, and Muhammad is the messenger, the light bringer. i want to believe in Islam. guess that's what makes me think that i'm a stubborn believer. my mind is half away from the religion but my hand still want to reach that faraway peacefulness. i think like him but i want to believe in my religion. and i want him to believe too.but then i realize, if i want him to believe, i should start by answering his questions, and mine too!

And now i realize that i was totally wrong to ignore.i can't ignore these questions!he made me realize that i was wrong.i should find the answers for these questions -- answers that really satisfy me, that will make me understand why this thing is such and such.true, the questions might sound daft and some people would laugh at them.but then there is possibility that they are just like me, or him, who doesn't really know how and what is the answer for that questions -- the ignorance people.silly questions but hard to answer.people need to know, even how small the matter is. coz i fear that if the non-believer ask me those questions, and i can't answer that simple question, it will effect both me and the questioner. if i can't answer such a simple question will that person listen to my preach about the other things?

Now i know, it's fine to have questions, as long as we keep searching for the answers. if we don't, we are on of the ignorance. but then finding the answers is challenging in today's world. as i said , people might laugh at you, or think that you are a stupid non-believer, or maybe some will say that such questions are not allowed to be asked. the last one is very dangerous, because that answer will really let you down, and make you feel cheated. but then, i will keep searching, because every question will have at least an appropriate explanation. i guess that's what the da'ie should do today. they should find the questions of those non-believers and find the answers that will make them finally understands what is the truth about our religion.

I live in a kinda Islamic environment but all i see is, the people, they DO have the knowledge about Islam,, but all they do is to preach towards those people who already believe and have knowledge and mingle between them, and avoid those who they seen as having lack of knowledge, who appeared ''less Islamic'' than they're. if this continues on, i can barely see how Islam is going to spread if the da'wah is only applied towards people who already believe. don't take me wrong here! i didn't say that da'wah in unnecessary towards those who believe, but then it is more important to give the preach towards someone who believe less,, so that the number of believer increases~ moreover such attitude like theirs will cause a misunderstanding about Islam. Muhammad (pbuh) never ignores those who is not pious. yet he approach them. true that people say to choose your friends wisely, but then this is not an excuse for them to make those un-pious people their silent enemy, by giving them resentful look. i said this because someone used to give me that look (-__-'') maybe because i'm not wearing hijab as long as they are (but i covered all that is obligatory!!!just not as excessive as they are!!!).

And one more thing that related, i just read an answer that was given to an atheist who is interested in Islam. he asked something about the reasoning why he should believe that the Holy Quran is not written by Muhammad alone. and there are answers that irritated me. for instance, instead of answering his question, they said that he is trying to fool Islam out and trying to start a cause that have an intention of mocking Islam. people! this man is sincerely asking because he want to know! because he want to believe more! because he didn't want to be an ignorant, who blindly accept things and believe in anything because some people said so! and there's another answer who get the ''best answer'' title obtained by voters, not the one who asked. and i guess the voters is as ignorant. the person said that ''we shouldn't find for perfection''. it's another word for ''such question should be ignored. because i know it is not true. though i don't know why it is not true...''. bah! ''shouldn't find for perfection'', you say??? isn't Islam is the most perfect religion?? then why shouldn't we find the perfection of this religion?? totally screwed out, such answer.

So then...God...i really typed long today. i hate having long writings because i will be really lazy to re-read this again. tonikaku...i really want to find the answers for the questions. some helps will be really really reaaaaalllllly appreciated! coz i know i can't do this alone. let's do it! ---> the me! the stubborn believer